What to text a friend you haven’t talked to in a while: 30 messages you can actually send

If you’re staring at a blank message trying to work out what to text a friend you haven’t talked to in a while, here’s the short answer: say why they crossed your mind, add a line of warmth and ask one question that’s easy to answer. Keep it short. You’re not writing a speech, you’re opening a door.

It will probably land better than you fear, too. In one experiment from a 2022 paper on reaching out, university students wrote a short note to a friend they hadn’t connected with in a while and predicted how much the friend would appreciate it. The friends appreciated it more than the senders expected, and the same pattern turned up across the paper’s other experiments.

Which means the draft you’ve been polishing since Sunday was probably fine on Sunday.

Being thought of is the gift. The words are just the wrapping.

Below are 30 texts you can borrow, grouped by situation. Change the details to your own, because the specific bit is what makes them work. And if you want the friendship back, not just one good text, our guide on how to reconnect with an old friend covers the rest.

Can’t choose? Shuffle a catch-up text

Short on time, or on decision-making energy? The shuffle deals them out one at a time: pick a situation, keep tapping until one sounds like you, then copy it. Borrowing is allowed: your friend won’t see the shuffle, only that you thought of them.

What makes a good catch-up message

Almost every good one does four things. None of them is “be hilarious”, so you can stop waiting for inspiration.

1. It has a reason. A memory, a photo, a song, a place you walked past. It answers “why now?” so they don’t have to wonder.
2. It’s specific. “Hey, how are you?” could be from anyone. “Just walked past the pho place near our old flat” could only be from you.
3. It asks one small question. “How’s the new job?” is easy to answer. “So, what’s new since 2019?” is an essay question.
4. It goes easy on the apology. One line of “sorry it’s been so long” is plenty. A whole paragraph flips the job onto them: now they have to make you feel better.

So, should you apologise for not keeping in touch? Briefly, then move on: “sorry it’s been so long” works as a greeting, not a confession. If what you really owe them is a reply to one particular message, that’s a slightly different job, and here’s how to apologise for not texting back.

A few things to skip: a lone “hey” (they’ll spend the afternoon wondering what you want), a life update the length of a novella and anything that turns out to be a pitch for your side hustle.

If it’s been a few months

A few months is nothing, even if it feels like a lot: to your friend, it’s one change of season and possibly a haircut. Keep it breezy, and don’t mention the gap at all unless you can do it with a wink.

Obviously, swap in your own details. Unless you also know a sausage dog called Biscuit, in which case, lucky you.

How to text someone you haven’t talked to in years

Years are different. The gap is in the room whether you mention it or not, like a large dog at a small party, so give it one pat and move straight on to them. A shared memory is the easiest way in, because it reminds you both why you were friends in the first place.

Worried it’s strange to pop up after this long? It’s much less weird for them than it feels for you.

If you missed something big

Sometimes the silence has a specific shape: a birthday you forgot, an engagement you heard about second-hand, a hard time you didn’t show up for. Name it, keep it short and don’t make them comfort you about it. If they sent you something serious and you went quiet, our apology guide has a section on replying late to something serious.

With grief especially, it’s rarely too late to say you’re sorry for someone’s loss, and “no need to reply” matters. It gives them your care without handing them one more thing to do.

If it was their birthday you missed, our belated birthday messages for a friend are sorted by how late you are.

Catch-up messages that turn into actual plans

“We should catch up sometime!” is the friendship version of “let’s do lunch”. Everyone means it and nobody books it. If you want to see them, suggest a specific thing at a specific time.

Between these and the texts above, you’re not short of words. The hard part is remembering to send them somewhere between work, dinner and the nightly hunt for the remote.

Low-pressure check-in texts (no reply needed)

Not every text needs to start a conversation. Some of the kindest ones just say “I thought of you”, then see themselves out like the perfect houseguest. They’re ideal for friends who are flat out, going through something or just not big texters.

A check-in text works best as a habit rather than a rescue mission. Send one every month or two and you’re far less likely to need the “it’s been years” texts above. (If you’re wondering what rhythm is realistic, here’s how often to talk to your friends.)

After you hit send

If they reply

Answer their question, ask one back and, when the conversation’s warm, suggest a call or a catch-up. If they ask what’s new with you, don’t freeze, and don’t send the director’s cut either.

Two or three real details and a question back is perfect: “Honestly, pretty good. Still in Melbourne, still killing every plant I own and I’ve just started a new job. Are you still in Perth?”

You don’t need to reply instantly, but try not to leave their message sitting for a month, or you’re right back where you started. (If that’s a familiar pattern, it’s a very common one, and here’s a guilt-free plan for anyone who’s bad at texting back.)

If they don’t

Give it a week or two. Plenty of messages get read in a supermarket queue, lovingly saved “to answer properly later”, then buried under 200 photos of someone else’s holiday. It happens to the best of us, and it almost certainly isn’t about you.

One light follow-up is fine, ideally about something new rather than the silence. After that, let it be. You’ve done a lovely thing, and the door’s open.

And if you’d like this to be the last “it’s been ages” text you ever need, our guide to staying in touch with friends covers the habit side of things.

What to text a friend you haven’t talked to in a while: the short version

• Keep it short and specific: why they crossed your mind, plus one easy question.
• One line of apology at most, then turn the conversation to them.
• If it’s been years, lead with a shared memory.
• If you missed something big, name it, say sorry briefly and don’t ask them to comfort you.
• To actually meet up, suggest a specific time. Two options are even better.
• “No need to reply” is a gift, especially for friends who are flat out.

Pick one of the 30, change the details and send it before you talk yourself out of it. Biscuit would want you to. More to the point, so would they.