What to text a friend you haven’t talked to in a while: 30 messages you can actually send
Not sure what to text a friend you haven’t talked to in a while? Here are 30 warm, ready-to-send messages, whether it’s been a few months or a few years.
The short of it
- The best catch-up texts are short, specific and easy to answer.
- Lead with why they crossed your mind, so they never have to wonder “why now?”
- Keep any apology to one line, then turn the conversation to them.
- If you want to actually meet up, suggest a specific time instead of “sometime”.
If you’re staring at a blank message trying to work out what to text a friend you haven’t talked to in a while, here’s the short answer: say why they crossed your mind, add a line of warmth, and ask one question that’s easy to answer. Keep it short. You’re not writing a speech, you’re opening a door.
It will probably land better than you fear, too. In one experiment from a 2022 paper on reaching out, university students wrote a short note to a friend they hadn’t connected with in a while and predicted how much the friend would appreciate it. The friends appreciated it more than the senders expected, and the same pattern turned up across the paper’s other experiments.
Being thought of is the gift. The words are just the wrapping.
Below are 30 texts you can borrow, grouped by situation. Change the details to your own, because the specific bit is what makes them work.
What makes a good catch-up message
Almost every good one does four things.
- It has a reason. A memory, a photo, a song, a place you walked past. It answers “why now?” so they don’t have to wonder.
- It’s specific. “Hey, how are you?” could be from anyone. “Just walked past the pho place near our old flat” could only be from you.
- It asks one small question. “How’s the new job?” is easy to answer. “So, what’s new since 2019?” is an essay question.
- It goes easy on the apology. One line of “sorry it’s been so long” is plenty. A whole paragraph flips the job onto them: now they have to make you feel better.
A few things to skip: a lone “hey” (they’ll spend the afternoon wondering what you want), a life update the length of a novella, and anything that turns out to be a pitch for your side hustle.
If it’s been a few months
A few months is nothing, even if it feels like a lot. Keep it breezy, and don’t mention the gap at all unless you can do it with a wink.
- Just saw a sausage dog in a raincoat that looked exactly like Biscuit. How are you both going?
- Made your lasagne recipe last night and realised I haven’t talked to you since winter. How’s everything?
- Did the move end up happening? I keep wondering how the new place is.
- Mr Brightside came on in the car and I was straight back in your old Corolla, belting it out. How are you?
- I’ve had “text Jess” on my to-do list for six weeks, which says more about my to-do list than about you. Hi! What’s new?
- Random question: did you ever finish building that kayak? I’ve genuinely been wondering.
Obviously, swap in your own details. Unless you also know a sausage dog called Biscuit, in which case, lucky you.
How to text someone you haven’t talked to in years
Years are different. The gap is part of the message whether you mention it or not, so give it a quick nod, then move straight on to them. A shared memory is the easiest way in, because it reminds you both why you were friends in the first place.
- Blast from the past, but I just found a photo of us on that Byron trip looking extremely sunburnt. Hope life’s been good to you. What are you up to these days?
- It’s been way too long. I think the last time we properly talked was your 30th? I’d love to hear how you’re going, no essay required.
- I was in Adelaide for work and walked past our old uni café, and it made me miss you. How are you?
- Hello from the past! I spotted you in the background of Mel’s wedding photos and realised I have no idea what you’re up to now. How’s life?
- I’ve been meaning to message you for about three years and kept waiting for a good reason. Turns out I don’t need one. I just miss you. How are things?
- You probably don’t remember this, but you once talked me out of quitting uni over a very bad toastie. I still think about it. Hope you’re doing well.
If you’re worried it’s strange to pop up after this long, have a read of our guide on how to reconnect with an old friend. The short version: it’s much less weird for them than it feels for you.
If you missed something big
Sometimes the silence has a specific shape: a birthday you forgot, an engagement you heard about second-hand, a hard time you didn’t show up for. Name it, keep it short, and don’t make them comfort you about it.
- I completely missed your birthday and I’m sorry. Happy very belated birthday! Can I make it up to you with a coffee?
- I just heard you got engaged. Congratulations! Sorry I’m so late to the party. I want the whole story.
- Just found out about little Oscar. Congratulations! No need to reply while you’re in the newborn fog. I’m just so happy for you.
- I only just heard about your dad. I’m so sorry, and I’m sorry I wasn’t in touch sooner. No need to reply. I’m thinking of you, and I’m here whenever you want to talk.
- Congrats on the new job! I only just found out, so sorry I’m late. How are you finding it?
- I know I went quiet when things were hard for you, and I’ve felt bad about it since. I’m sorry. I’d love to hear how you’re doing, whenever you feel like it.
With grief especially, it’s rarely too late to say you’re sorry for someone’s loss, and “no need to reply” matters. It gives them your care without handing them one more thing to do. And if birthdays are your weak spot, here’s how to actually remember them.
Catch-up messages that turn into actual plans
“We should catch up sometime!” is the friendship version of “let’s do lunch”. Everyone means it and nobody books it. If you want to see them, suggest a specific thing at a specific time.
- I’m in Brisbane the weekend of the 14th. Any chance you’re free for a coffee or a beer?
- Want to go for a walk one Saturday morning? I’ll bring the coffees. This weekend or next?
- I miss our Thursday dinners. Want to bring one back, just once, and see how it goes? Next Thursday or the one after?
- Up for a phone call this week? No agenda, I just want to hear how you are, plus your terrible opinions about the footy.
- Are you still doing trivia at the Royal? I’d love to come along one week if there’s room for a very average teammate.
- I know weekends are chaos with the kids. Could I bring lunch over one day and just hang out while they run amok?
Between these and the texts above, you’re not short of words. The hard part is remembering to send them.
Low-pressure check-in texts (no reply needed)
Not every text needs to start a conversation. Some of the kindest ones just say “I thought of you” and let the other person off the hook entirely. They’re perfect for friends who are flat out, going through something, or just not big texters.
- No need to reply, I just wanted to say I was thinking of you today. Hope the week’s being kind.
- Just saw a bloke in a full Batman costume buying milk and thought of you instantly. That’s all. Carry on.
- Good luck tomorrow! You’re going to be great. No need to reply, just sending good vibes.
- Thinking of you today. I know it’s a hard one. No need to write back, just sending love.
- Hope Rosie’s first week of school went well. No reply needed, just wanted to say hi.
- Just a hello. Nothing to catch up on, no questions to answer. I just like you.
A check-in text works best as a habit rather than a rescue mission. Send one every month or two and you’re far less likely to need the “it’s been years” texts above. (If you’re wondering what rhythm is realistic, here’s how often to talk to your friends.)
After you hit send
If they reply
Answer their question, ask one back, and when the conversation’s warm, suggest a call or a catch-up. If they ask what’s new with you, don’t freeze, and don’t send the whole saga either. Two or three real details and a question back is perfect: “Honestly, pretty good! Still in Melbourne, still killing every plant I own, and I’ve just started a new job. Are you still in Perth?”
You don’t need to reply instantly, but try not to leave their message sitting for a month, or you’re right back where you started.
If they don’t
Give it a week or two. Plenty of messages get read on the train and forgotten, or saved to answer properly later. One light follow-up is fine, ideally about something new rather than the silence. After that, let it be. You’ve done a lovely thing, and the door’s open.
And if you’d like this to be the last “it’s been ages” text you ever need, our guide to staying in touch with friends covers the habit side of things.
What to text a friend you haven’t talked to in a while: the short version
- Keep it short and specific: why they crossed your mind, plus one easy question.
- One line of apology at most, then turn the conversation to them.
- If it’s been years, lead with a shared memory.
- If you missed something big, name it, say sorry briefly, and don’t ask them to comfort you.
- To actually meet up, suggest a specific time. Two options are even better.
- “No need to reply” is a gift, especially for friends who are flat out.
Pick one of the thirty, change the details, and send it before you talk yourself out of it.
Questions people ask
What should I text a friend I haven’t talked to in a while?
Something short and specific: say what reminded you of them, add a line of warmth and ask one easy question. For example: “Made your lasagne recipe last night and realised I haven’t talked to you since winter. How’s everything?”
How do you text someone you haven’t talked to in years?
Give the gap a light nod without a long apology, then lead with a shared memory or whatever reminded you of them. Keep it short, and finish with a question that’s easy to answer.
Should I apologise for not keeping in touch?
One line, like “Sorry it’s been so long”, is plenty. Any more than that and the other person ends up having to reassure you.
What’s a good check-in text that doesn’t need a reply?
Tell them you’re thinking of them and let them off the hook, for example: “No need to reply, I just wanted to say I was thinking of you today.”
What if they don’t text back?
Give it a week or two, since messages easily get read and forgotten. One light follow-up is fine; after that, leave the door open and try not to take it personally.
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