Who to message over the holidays (and how to not send forty texts on Christmas Eve)
Who to message over the holidays: the friends to put on your list, the ones to skip, how to spread the hellos out and messages to copy.
The short of it
- Put the friends you’ve drifted from at the top of your holiday list. The ones you see every week will hear from you anyway.
- December is the one time of year a “thinking of you” needs no reason, so it’s the easiest moment to restart a quiet friendship.
- Spread the messages over a couple of weeks, a few a day, instead of writing forty on Christmas Eve.
- Keep it short and end with a question. People tend to underestimate how much a message out of the blue is appreciated.
The best people to message over the holidays are the friends you’ve drifted from. Your closest friends will hear from you anyway. December is the one time of year when “thinking of you” needs no excuse, so it’s the easiest moment there is to restart a friendship that went quiet.
The catch is that everyone remembers this on Christmas Eve, with forty names and one evening. Below is who to put on the list, how to spread it out and a few messages to copy.
Who goes on the list
Holiday messages have a long history as a map of who matters. When anthropologists Russell Hill and Robin Dunbar wanted to measure how many people someone keeps in touch with, they counted Christmas cards. Across 43 households and nearly 3,000 cards, the average network the cards reached was about 150 people. Your list is probably shorter. Here’s how to fill it:
- The ones who drifted. The friend you used to see every week, the old flatmate, the colleague from two jobs ago. These are the messages that change something.
- Anyone having a hard year. A loss, a move, a break-up, a new baby. The holidays can be lonely after a big change, and a message says they weren’t forgotten.
- Not your closest friends. You’ll see them, call them, or be in a group chat with them all month. They don’t need a slot.
Spread it out
Twenty messages in one evening turn into twenty copies of the same line. Two or three a day over a fortnight gives each one a moment of thought, and leaves you time to reply when they write back. Pick a window (the second half of December, or the days around New Year) and split the list across it.
What to say
Short beats clever. A greeting, one line that shows you remember them and a question. Research on reaching out found that people consistently underestimate how much their message is appreciated, and the gap was biggest when the message came as a surprise. Say what fits the friend: “Merry Christmas” if you know they celebrate it, “Happy holidays” or a New Year message if you’re not sure.
- Happy holidays! Saw a tram covered in tinsel today and thought of you. How’s your year been?
- Merry Christmas! I know it’s been ages. Hope it’s a cosy one. Up to much over the break?
- Happy New Year! Let’s not let another one go by. Coffee in January?
- Thinking of you this December. I know it’s been a big year. Here if you fancy a chat.
One message that starts a conversation beats forty that end one.
The short version
Message the friends you’ve drifted from, not the ones you see every week. Spread the list over a couple of weeks. Keep it short, say what fits them and end with a question.
Questions people ask
Who should I message over the holidays?
Start with the friends you’ve drifted from: the uni mate, the old colleague, the cousin you only see at weddings. Then anyone having a hard year. Your closest friends will hear from you anyway, so they don’t need a slot on the list.
Is it weird to message someone just for the holidays?
No. The holidays are the one time of year when a message needs no reason. Research on reaching out found that people consistently underestimate how much their message is appreciated, and more so when it is a surprise.
Should I say Merry Christmas or Happy holidays?
Say what fits the friend. If you know they celebrate Christmas, “Merry Christmas” is warmer. If you’re not sure, “Happy holidays” or a New Year message works for everyone.
When should I send holiday messages?
Any time in the second half of December, or around New Year. Spreading them over a couple of weeks keeps each one personal, and a message on 20 December has a better chance of starting a conversation than one lost in the Christmas Day pile.
Want a hand remembering? Howdy Mate! is free on the App Store.
Sources
- Social network size in humans. Human Nature, 2003.
- The surprise of reaching out: appreciated more than we think. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2022.
Written by Sammy Sergi, who makes Howdy Mate!, a free iPhone app for keeping in touch with the people who matter. Every guide is checked against the research it cites.
